#1 Q: My cousin told me aliens are real. Is this true?

#2 Q: I have a date this Friday and I'm not sure what to wear. Any thoughts on how to "Wow" her?

#4 Q: Is it against the law to poke a monkey with a stick?

#5 Q: Could Green Lantern beat up Superman?

#6 Q: Hey Rob! Are you a real person or one of those made up people like the KFC guy?

#1 A: Let me tell you a little story about aliens.

This one time I was working in a gas station, self-serve. It was the night shift and the gas station was out in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly the lights went off and all around me was pitch black. Then the lights came on and all of the chocolate milk in the cooler was gone and I had a stomach ache. It must have been aliens.

That's what I told my boss, but he didn't believe me and made me pay for the chocolate milk. That's when I knew he was an alien.

I could never prove it though.

Every time I yelled at him, "Admit you're an alien!" he would look at me funny and deduct five dollars from my pay.

True story.

#2 A: I think if you didn't wear any pants, that would certainly "Wow" her. But if you want to "Wow" her in a good way you could wear a shirt that says "Wow" on it. Or you could dress up in a tuxedo and take her to a McDonald's. This would show her that you are really serious about your relationship with her.

Give her a mixed tape, too, and tell her that you think about her all the time and that you made the tape up while thinking about her and that sometimes you listen to the tape you made for her and you cry softly to yourself. In the dark.

Here are some songs that would show her just how committed you are:

I Alone - Live
With or Without You - U2
Possession - Sarah McLachlan
Sittin' Pretty - Brendan Benson
Crazy for You - Madonna
Obsession - Animotion
I'm Going Slightly Mad - Queen
Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler

If the date goes well, can you ask her if she has any friends who might like to go out with me? I'm really cool.

#3 A: Let me tell you a little story about lava. Once I was working in a self-serve gas station and a lava monster walked in.

And I was all like, "Ahhhh! Get out of here!"

And he was all like, "Why, man? You got something against lava people?"

And I was like, "Not personally, but you're very hot and combustible and I work in a gas station."

And he was like, "So?"

And I was like, "So, we could blow up!"

And he was like, "Nah. I'm sure everything will be fine."

By this time I was pretty nervous, so I thought maybe I'd just see what he wanted.

So I said, "What do you want?"

And he said, "I just want to use your washroom. Can I have the key?"

True story.

#4 A: It depends on what kind of stick. If it is a cinnamon stick, maybe the monkey likes to get poked with it and won't press charges.

#5 A: Let me tell you a little story about Green Lantern. His power ring can do anything he can imagine and has the willpower to create. How are you going to beat that?

In the old days, maybe Superman would have been able to beat him, because the power ring could be defeated by the colour yellow. Superman could have taken off his yellow belt and used that to beat Green Lantern, but then his pants would fall down and Superman would look hella stupid, all in his underwear and stuff.

#6 A: What KFC guy? Colonel Sanders? He's a real dude! Or he was. He's dead now. I'm real too. But not dead.